I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
