I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
