Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
