Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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