The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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