He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
