Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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