The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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