just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
