She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
