hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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