EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize