yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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