Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
