I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
