Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
