never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
