Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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