My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
