he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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