On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
