My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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