Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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