1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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