I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
