Can Purell be used as lube?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
