i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
