I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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