alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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