theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
