i need an iv and a liver transplant
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
