Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
