Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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