the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
