She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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