Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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