Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
