I am in a vortex of obligation.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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