my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There r osticjed everywhere
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
