I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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