is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
