1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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