I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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