Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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