I am spending my child support on dildos
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
