i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A bitchslap is in order.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
