were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
