Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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