he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
