the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
