Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
