dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
