just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
