so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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