I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
