Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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