I just threw up on my dentist
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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