Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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