I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
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