There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
