her vagine was all disorganized.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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