God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
