I think I won the penis lottery.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
