is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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